Wednesday, January 12, 2005

How Do I Care

It's hard to know in times like these how to really care for people. Tsunami's, flooding, death and disaster. And yet part of me feels so disconnected from all that y'know? It's so far away from me that it doesn't even seem real. Sometimes I think I feel the same way about God. I wonder as He looks down on all of this hurt, I am sure His heart is broken. I know that mine should be too, but if there is anything that I think I struggle with the most, something that I really feel is in contrary to what God wants/feels, I would say that I really just have a hard time caring about things.

It all boils down to narcissism really. I think at the core of my not caring, of my callousness, the real root is that I just don't care about others because I mostly care about myself. It's horrible, I hate it, but it's the honest truth. However I have seen glimmer of hope lately. I can feel it in my heart, the pain, as I watch NBC Nightly News and I see that Indian mother mourning her child, or the Srilankan husband who has lost his whole family. My heart broke for them then. It reminds me of Job's plight. If you have never read Job's story in the Bible, you might want to check it out. Talk about suffering.

It's a process really. Life without Narcissism. I am not there yet, but I want to be. I want to care when I am busy, when my life feels crowded. I want to listen better because I actually care to hear what my wife, my friends are saying. I want to care as Jesus cared, when he met the woman at the well or when his heart broke when he heard that his friend Lazarus had died. I want to care and love well. And not just so that I can look like a better person, but because I think there is real life in caring, in loving people well.

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